New Roots Therapy Blog

Thoughts on Life, Love, & Wellness! New Posts Every Wednesday.


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Healing a Broken Heart: Part 2

Written By: Corinne Carter, Registered Psychotherapist & Relationship Therapist

In Part 1 of this post, which you can check out here, I wrote about three ways to help yourself heal a broken heart.  Now, here are four more ways to move through heartbreak with love and compassion:

1. Learn to keep your heart open. When we’re broken-hearted, in the grips of deep sadness, loss, and fear, we may choose to close our hearts as a way of protecting ourselves and re-establishing a sense of security in our lives.   When we’re hurting, closing our hearts can seem like a great idea in order to keep ourselves safe!  However, the safety we feel by closing our hearts is a false sense of safety; closing our hearts is about avoiding our pain, rather than embracing our pain with gentleness and letting it pass through us.  If you’ve read Part 1, you know that avoidance doesn’t actually lessen or heal our pain but, rather, has a tendency to prolong and intensify it.  Closing our hearts moves us farther away from our true selves and from true healing.  Love is healing and, in order to feel love for ourselves and receive love and support from those around us during this difficult time, our hearts must be open.  How do we keep our hearts open?  By paying attention to when we feel love, energy, and engagement with our experiences, as well as noticing when we don’t, and choosing to do more of the former no matter what the situation.  Michael A. Singer, in his book “The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself”, writes about this beautifully:

“Through meditation, through awareness and willful efforts, you can learn to keep your centers open.  You do this by just relaxing and releasing.  You do this by not buying into the concept that there is anything worth closing over.  Remember, if you love life, nothing is worth closing over.  Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over.”

2. Find meaning in your emotions to connect with yourself on a deeper level. Our emotions are important messengers, and they have a lot of teach us about ourselves and our values.  When we feel happy and uplifted, it may be easier to receive the messages that our emotions have to offer because it’s easier to stay open when we feel good.  But there is a lot to learn from our pain if we can stay open and be conscious to it.  If the loss you experienced didn’t matter to your life or bump up against your beliefs and values in some meaningful way, your heart wouldn’t be broken in the first place.  So, as you practice keeping your heart open when pain is present, you can also ask yourself questions like: what does this sadness that I feel so deeply suggest about what’s important to me?  What can this fear teach me about my opportunities for growth right now?  This is different from telling yourself that “everything happens for a reason”.  It’s more about accepting that, even in the greatest tragedies, there are opportunities for profound personal, spiritual, and relational evolution.  When you learn to embrace your pain, you can also begin to embrace its lessons.

3. Begin to move towards forgiveness. When we experience a broken heart, our sense of internal power may be shaken up.  We may feel wronged by someone or something, and we may feel like our personal power has been violated.  It’s important to stay awakened to our inner power, and one way to do this is to move towards forgiveness.  Forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things to do, and it can also be one of the most liberating for our hearts.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we approve of a person’s hurtful actions or that we like how a situation unfolded which caused us harm.  It also doesn’t mean that we forget what happened.  Instead, forgiveness is about acknowledging the wrong-doing and then choosing to let go of the hold that it has on us, in exchange for our freedom and inner power.  If we aren’t ready to forgive fully (and it’s okay if we aren’t) we might wish to start by simply setting the intention to forgive.  Forgiveness is a choice that we must make, often times not just once but again and again, to respond to the person or experience and say, “I’m hurt and my heart is broken, and I’m choosing to live my life fully and freely anyway.”  Since forgiveness is such a complex topic in and of itself, we’ll be writing a full blog post about it over the coming weeks.

4. Build your life!  When your heart has been broken, after you’ve done some initial processing and reflection, this is a time to work on building up your life and creating a life you love even more than you did before.  What have you wanted to do for yourself that you haven’t had/made time for?  What new activities have you wanted to try?  What have you wanted to learn more about?   How can you live in a way that honours the loss you’ve experienced and the lessons you’ve learned from it?  What makes you feel your best, most fulfilled, and most alive?  This is the time to do more of that!

Heartbreak is never easy.  At the same time, it’s important to remember that heartbreak is a human experience and, if we approach it with love and compassion, we can not only move through it, we can also grow from it to become more fully ourselves.

Wishing you wellness, always ❤

-Corinne

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How to Practice Self-Love When You Don’t Know Where To Start

Post Written By: Corinne Carter, Relationship Therapist

“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself in order to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

“Self-love” and “self-care” are terms you’ve likely heard before, especially if you’ve read some of our previous posts! They’re terms that get used a lot in the personal development space, and for good reason – loving yourself, and developing practices of caring for yourself, are the foundation for every aspect of your health and well-being: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, and relational. In other words, self-love and self-care are pretty darn important!

When speaking with my clients about self-love/self-care, I often hear them say, “Corinne, I understand the importance of self-love and I want to love myself…but, how do I do it? Where do I start?” These are great questions! If self-love is unfamiliar, how do you know what it looks like and where do you begin? First, it’s important to understand that self-love is more than a feeling you have about yourself; it’s an intentional choice to act lovingly towards yourself, as well as the desire to strive for overall well-being. From this understanding of self-love, you can begin to put specific practices into place to love yourself wholeheartedly.  Below are some tips to help guide you in your journey towards greater self-love:

1. Develop your self-awareness: Self-awareness is the ability to turn inwards and acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Loving yourself involves knowing what’s happening for you on the inside, so that you can identify (and voice) your needs and, ultimately, make changes that reflect your worth. Ask yourself:

  • Do I notice any patterns in my thoughts? Do the same thoughts come up again and again across situations (e.g., “I’m a failure”, “I’m not good enough”, etc.)?
  • Are certain thoughts connected to particular feelings? For example, do I tend to feel unmotivated each time I think, “I’m a failure”?
  • How do my thoughts and feelings impact my actions? For example, when I think “I’m a failure” and start to feel unmotivated, what do I typically do? How do I typically behave/respond?

A useful tool for developing self-awareness around your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours is called a “thought record”, which is used in Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT). Try it yourself: The website, Self-help.tools, contains thought record worksheets for your use, as well as instructions for completing your thought record.

2. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is another way to develop your self-awareness, as it involves paying conscious attention to the present moment. More so (and this bit is important!), mindfulness invites you to pay attention without judgment.  So, you aren’t judging whether your thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. are good or bad – you’re just noticing them, with interest and curiosity. Mindfulness, in itself, is an act of self-care with countless benefits for your mental and physical well-being, including: reduced anxiety, stress, depression, and chronic pain, as well as improvements to memory, concentration, creativity, immune system, and overall mood and quality of life! By paying conscious attention to your present experience, you give yourself the opportunity to notice what feels good to you and what doesn’t. This is important for developing self-love since loving yourself involves making decisions to take care of yourself, and to do what is good for you. Note: doing what is good for you doesn’t mean being oblivious to the needs of others! See our previous post, “The Importance of Loving Yourself First” for more on this.

3. Create your self-care “non-negotiables”: Create a list of activities/practices that you know help you feel good and/or give you a mood-boost. For example, things like getting 30 minutes of exercise a day, setting standing dates with friends/family, having an hour each night to read or watch Netflix, getting out in nature once a day, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, having an hour each week to work on creative projects, etc. You get the idea! Now, go through the list and pick your top three non-negotiables. These are the activities that, no matter what – no matter how busy life gets, no matter how exhausted you feel, no matter how often your thoughts tell you you’re not worthy – you commit to doing for yourself regularly. Everything else on the list is a bonus to be enjoyed when you have less on your plate. Self-care is self-love in action!

4. Set clear mental and emotional boundaries: Boundaries are important for self-love because they encourage respect – respect from yourself, and from others. In relationships, healthy boundaries help you to identify what you’re responsible for and what you’re not; they make your limits clear. Healthy boundaries can help you to stay present in conflict without becoming defensive or escalated. Healthy boundaries can prevent you from taking responsibility for the problems of others. When you understand your own thoughts, values, and emotions, boundaries become easier to set, which is one of the reasons why developing self-awareness is so important! Boundaries aren’t about being mean to other people – they’re not meant to be punitive. Rather, healthy boundaries are essential for taking care of yourself so that you can be at your best; if you’re not at your best, your relationships won’t be either. Setting clear boundaries can be as simple as saying “yes” or “no” when you mean it. This doesn’t mean you’ll never do anything you don’t want to ever again – that’s just a part of life! Instead, it means being more intentional in your decisions about what you do and why you’re doing it; setting boundaries is about making choices purposefully, rather than feeling like you never had a choice at all. Try it yourself: Over the next week, every time you’re invited to do something – take on a new project, go to a party on Saturday night, accept responsibility for an outcome – practice saying “yes” and “no” to the invitation. Keep track of the reasons for your decision, as well as the way you felt about your decision afterwards. Feel free to use this boundaries setting worksheet to help you!

Love yourself fiercely; your life depends on it ❤



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The Importance of Loving Yourself First

Written by: Corinne Carter, Relationship Therapist

You are the most important person in your life.  Yes, YOU!  It’s true!  In our experience, many people are uncomfortable with this idea, at least at first.  Women, in particular, seem most uncomfortable with this idea initially because we are taught by our society to act as caregivers, many times putting our own needs on the back burner in order to do so.  Being the most important person in your life is often confused with being selfish and, as such, the idea can be off-putting because people typically don’t want to be seen as selfish!

However, we encourage you to consider the following: if you aren’t the most important person in your life, you’re actually doing a disservice not only to yourself, but to your relationships as well.  When you choose not to realize your own importance, you are actually damaging, rather than enhancing, your relationships.  How can that be?  Well, when you embrace your place as #1 in your own life and you begin to ensure that your needs are being met regularly, you become better equipped to act in ways that are loving towards others. 

Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you become apathetic to the needs of others, and it doesn’t mean that you live only for yourself.  It also doesn’t mean that your needs come first all the time.  Instead, it means that you recognize your needs as a priority and you choose to put the needs of others ahead of your own in specific situations, as appropriate.  The key here is choice.  When you aren’t the most important person in your life, others’ needs may take top priority by default, time and time again, until you eventually burn out and are no longer able to care for anyone.  This is why we say it’s a disservice to yourself and your relationships to deny your own importance.  Similar to the way that many financial advisors will tell you to pay yourself first in order to achieve financial success, we suggest that you love yourself first in order to experience success in your closest relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself.

Just like you can’t appreciate happiness without also experiencing sadness, and just like you can’t perceive light without also seeing the dark, the most sincere love of others is experienced only when you have the most profound love of self.  In this way, loving yourself is not at odds with loving others but, instead, is the foundation for loving others in the best way possible.  Becoming the most important person in your life is not selfish; it’s a necessity for loving those who mean the most to you.  In her book, “The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome”, Dr. Harriet Braiker called this type of self-love “enlightened self-interest”, stating that “[what enlightened self-interest means is] that you will take good care of yourself, even putting your needs first at times, while simultaneously considering the needs and welfare of others…Enlightened self-interest, unlike selfishness, precludes making others suffer at your expense.”

There are many ways that you can love yourself first.  For example, you can practice setting boundaries with others (it’s okay to say “no” sometimes!); you can make time for what you love, such as reading a good book, doing a creative project, taking a bubble bath before bed, taking yoga classes, going for a walk after dinner, etc.; you can learn to forgive yourself for mistakes that you have made in the past; etc.  Whatever it looks like for you, we invite you to “embrace your place as #1” in order to bring positive change to your inner self and your relationships with those around you!